like picking at an old scab.

Wynn Las Vegas. My former employer.

Several years ago, I read a book called One Pitch Away. It was all about the 1986 Major League Baseball postseason. At several different points during each series, a team was a pitch away from glory; only to have it dashed by heroics. Don Baylor, a member of the 1986 Boston Red Sox, was interviewed for the book. The Sox, if you recall, were one pitch away from winning the World Series over the New York Mets in Game 6 at Shea Stadium. That’s when Boston first baseman Bill Buckner went to field a ground ball. You know the rest.

Baylor, who was managing the Colorado Rockies when he was interviewed, talked about something he would do during subsequent visits to Shea Stadium. He would sit, by himself, in the dugout. Alone. With his thoughts. “I like to torture myself,” he said.

I can relate. I’ve been back from Las Vegas for more than two years now. I was only there for five months, but I really enjoyed living there. I enjoyed working at Wynn Las Vegas, even though it was brief (for numerous reasons…paltry economy being a pretty big one, though). Even though I am happy in my current job and happy to be back in Indianapolis, I have been back to Las Vegas three times since I left. I visited both the Wynn and its sister property, the Encore, on each trip. I was not weepy, but I most certainly missed working there. I missed dealing there. I missed everything about it.

For whatever reason, I found myself looking at the Wynn jobs postings this week. And sure enough, there it was. Openings for dealers at both properties. I can’t lie. It made me a little sad. I had the best dealing job in the world at the worst possible time ever. And now, it’s staring me in the face again. It’s difficult to describe the feeling.

I’m not looking to become a Las Vegas dealer again. I don’t think that’s in the cards (ha!) for me anymore. I’m at a stage in life where I’m not necessarily ready to start over again as an extra-board dealer. I love it, but it’s a young man’s game. But I can’t help but see that job posting and reflect on what might’ve been. I wonder what would’ve happened had I stuck it out through the low point.

Do I lament losing my destiny? No, not really. I moved back to pursue a different sort of happiness. Had I not chased that, I would’ve been in a much worse place with doubt and regret. I guess I just like to reflect upon what I consider the most fun I’ve ever had earning a paycheck and wonder if I’ll ever recapture that lightning in a jar again. Seeing that job posting (why did I even look at it in the first place?) was sort of like picking at an old scab you forgot was even there.

I guess I just like to torture myself.

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