survivor recap: spoiled bimbos need not apply.

probstA few seasons ago (the year Boston Rob won, I believe), a player whose name escapes me said, “this game respects big moves,” or something like that. He was right. But the game does not reward players who make big moves simply for the sake of making big moves. Take last week’s Survivor, where Kass—an overly smug and way too self satisfied player with zero social skills—decided to make a big move. She turned on her original alliance out of petulance toward a player she simply didn’t like. And what did it get her? A whole lot of attention, sure, but she drew an even larger target on her own back and all but cinched her fate as a third-place player, at best.

For a moment last night, however, it looked like she might be in line to make another big move in the opposite direction, balancing out the alliances on Survivor. In the end, it was all smoke and mirrors created in an editing bay. The tribes voted 6-4 along alliance lines to boot Morgan the jiggly airhead whose only meaningful contribution to the game was awesome cleavage and a few Baywatch Nights sprints on the beach. Too bad for her there was nothing happening above the neck. And her rather dimwitted admission that she rolls through life as a spoiled bimbo getting by on her good looks may get you into da club without paying cover charge, but it sure as shit won’t win you a million dollars on Survivor. So, bu-bye, Morgan. Bu-bye. Can’t wait to hear your slow-witted statement during Final Tribal. *eyeroll*

Overall, the episode was long on rhetorical pizazz, but woefully short on actual, meaningful moves. Predictably, Spencer and others from the original six-person alliance with Kass unloaded on her post-Tribal for what still appears to be an unnecessary flip. Of course, Kass the lawyer absorbs it all with the same, dull, expressionless face that belies just how smug she is about being the fulcrum of so many questionable moves, to this point. I’d say Kass is about as interesting as a dining table, but the dining table is significantly more charismatic.

Now nestled as a member of her new alliance (although she anointed her self a free agent so many times I wanted to call her LeBron), Kass is in somewhat of a power position…insofar as a useful idiot has power. Sure, her vote is crucial and could sway the game again. But to what end? Is she currying favor among the potential jurors? Not so much. I would be stunned if her original alliance of six chose to throw any votes her way in the Final Tribal Council.

What’s more likely is power players like Tony or LJ or even Spencer (if he can raise up an alliance of turncoats from Tony’s followers) will make it to the end and drag Kass along as insurance. At this stage, there are two jurors out of eight who likely will never vote for Kass. That means she has to come up with at least four people who are left in the game who would throw their support behind her. Who is that? Tasha may be the only one, and that is a huge maybe.

Kass’ problem is she’s an action freak. She reminds me of craps players from my dealing days who lack patience and throw money all over the layout, making tons of simultaneous bets just because they can’t stand a roll of the dice where nothing affects them. That’s Kass’s Survivor “strategy.” She has to be the center of attention, but being a forever swing vote, an army of one and a player who just wants to see big moves is not strategy. It’s drama.

solaririon

She’ll have ample opportunities to make something happen as the game progresses, but it’s going to require putting players like Tony and Spencer on the jury. Kass’s only hope is to be sitting at the end with the dunces of Survivor: any combination of Jefra, Jeremiah, Trish and herself.

Right now, Tony is the undisputed emperor of the island. He dodged a bullet last week, but the teasers for next week would lead us to believe his reign is about to end.

Personally, I’d like to see Spencer stay in the game until the end. He’s been fighting the worst odds of all: being stuck with a tribe of idiots. He survived the “brains” of the group, making some of the least-intellectual decisions ever and has proven to be a worthy foil in challenges. But Survivor is never about rewarding someone who “deserves” to be there. He still has long odds. His only true hope at this point is to either cleverly use his hidden idol to his advantage (smart on his part that he didn’t throw it out there this week) and wait for Tony’s alliance to turn on itself, which is likely to happen with so many alpha dogs vying for supremacy.

Of the remaining nine players, here’s how I’d handicap their chances of winning:

1. Tony—He’s been on offense since Day One and is the only player with a consistent strategy.
2. LJ—Unlike Tony, he’s got friends in all the tribes and hasn’t had to get too stabby. Yet.
3. Woo—I’ve got a feeling Woo is about two really strong moves from being a serious contender.
4. Tasha—She’s playing a quiet game and is not a threat and already has friends on the jury.
5. Spencer—Another immunity win makes him a serious threat. He needs a new alliance fast.
6. Jeremiah—Has done nothing to distinguish himself. Just along for the ride.
7. Trish—Strictly a follower. And an annoying one, at that.
8. Kass—Free agency will not win you any votes from a pissed off jury.
9. Jefra—Nice kid, but has zero game. ZERO!

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