survivor recap: the one percent vs. the bad news bears vs. camp northstar flunkies.

SurvivorAh, the contrived drama is all abound! That’s not a bad thing. After all, a show like Survivor thrives on putting people in the social blender and making them spin. And kudos to playing the class warfare game this season! It’s team Get A Job vs. team Got A Job vs. Team Suit-wearing A-holes!

I expected the teams to play familiar clichés in the opening—likely fed their lines by producers—but did they have to gleefully dive right into their clichés when left to their own devices? When faced with a “moral dilemma,” the Blue Collar and No Collar teams chose honesty. White Collar? Naturally, predictably and stupidly chose deceit. And for what? A true advantage in the game? Hardly. It was for a clue to the hidden immunity idol.

Dumb, dumb, dumb move.

For starters, if the producers are dangling an “advantage” in your face on Day One, it’s NOT an advantage! You took the bait and should’ve taken the high road. Secondly, have you people even WATCHED past seasons? The hidden immunity idols are truly hidden, but can be found without clues, if you have enough guile, wit and ability to recall how and where idols are hidden: not too far from a landmark of some sort, in a weird-looking tree, an old, dead tree trunk, etc. In other words, THINK! Joaquin and So, duly nominated as White Collar Tribe’s leaders—supposedly sharpshooters in the boardroom—proved to be just as stupid as the worst players in Survivor history. And their gamble won’t ever pay off, as Carolyn smelled a rat in their kooky story and went out and unearthed the hidden idol, sans clue, further proving my point.

The first episode is never terribly interesting. It’s always the same: lots of hugs and high fives in the first five minutes, followed by crabbing and bitching while building the shelter, some dude drooling over a hot girl, some hot girl saying boys are stupid, and an older player treated like—and feeling like—the tribe’s outcast. Blah-blah-blah.

The first immunity challenge always shows the real drama. Which tribe can face adversity and perform the task vs. which tribe folds like a…cheap folding thing. Hollywood couldn’t have scripted the challenge outcome any better, could they? The White Collar Tribe jumps out to an early lead, only to get beaten by the Bad News Bears and Camp Northstar flunkies and spectacular fashion.

Tribal Council proved to be even more fascinating (and shocking, to me), as the White Collar tribe proved to be just as clueless about whom to boot off the island. Joaquin and So, bound by their blood oath of dimwittery at the moral challenge, led the charge to vote off Carolyn, branding her a worthless, old hag. The rest of the veneer-smiling brigade was faced with a dilemma: “Do we make our tribe stronger or do we do something classically stupid and vote out a worthy player?”

Former Hollywood agent Tyler—who looks more like a living Howdy Doody doll—wasn’t onboard with Joaquin and So’s plan and learned right away that Carolyn has the immunity idol. So, what did he do? Lead the tribe to smartly vote for Carolyn, in a move to either remove her and/or the idol? Wrong! In a 4-2 vote, they knocked off the competitive and outspoken So.

I have to admit, going into the Tribal Council, I was all for keeping Carolyn…until they actually went ahead with the plan. As soon as So got voted out, I immediately thought, “that was a mistake.” Once again, a player who doesn’t deserve to go home is sent packing.

After just one episode, it’s too soon to make any future predictions. We’re still figuring out who’s who. The White Collar tribe seems hellbent playing the part of halfwit bad guys, while the Blue Collar tribe will be our resident good guys. No Collar tribe? A bunch of patchouli-smelling hippies who will probably kick everyone’s asses, just to further confuse us.

My favorite player right now: The fat guy.

My least favorite player The guy with feathers in his hair. Really, dude?

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