survivor recap: mean girls, creepy dudes & way too much nudity. oh my!

Dan-FoleyWhen there are still 17 players in the game—most of whom you still can’t name—the episodes are less about challenges, strategy and alliances than they are about reliving every high school nightmare you’ve had. Over and over and over. Last night’s episode of Survivor was no exception.

Between the bickering, annoying voices and abundance of naked man ass, I’m just ready for the merge to happen right freakin’ now. I get it. At this point of the game, Survivor producers are showing us the social dynamics occurring at each camp.

Here’s how I’d break it down
White Collar:
Everyone’s laying back, waiting to make a move…and then beardy the weirdo goes free-ballin’ and gives everyone the willies! Except for the one chick who decides to go free-ballin’ too, making the Howdy Doody lookin’ dude all uncomfortable. You people are all trying too hard or something.

Blue Collar:
Hey, I like the fat guy. He might be annoying, but I like him. Not so sure about his choice in undergarments, but that’s another story. Who’s the dude who thinks Survivor is a job site? No. 1: he’s got a super-annoying voice. No. 2: chill out, dude. Chill. Out.

No Collar:
Vince is creepy. The young girls are somewhere between mean or self absorbed. Will is a cool dude. Joe is Mr. Perfect and Nina is crying. I think that covers everyone.

Immunity Challenge
Give the fat guy credit. He blasted through that obstacle. Really, everyone did an admirable job, but for Will. He pretty much choked on the last rung and it cost his tribe a shot at winning. But even if he didn’t screw up, I have my doubts anyone on the No Collar tribe could make a Survivor Free Throw™ if their lives depended on it. While all the other kids were in gym class, learning to dribble the ball, the No Collars were in a drum circle, trading shitty Grateful Dead boots.

But give credit to the White Collar dude who was draining the shots. My bet: he was his the starting point guard on his high school varsity team. And props to CBS and Survivor for the subtle-but-yet-not-really-subtle tie-in to March Madness on this challenge Oh, c’mon! Do you think they just pulled the free throw contest out of a hat for the first show in March? Please.

Tribal Council
I was a little disappointed in the outcome, but not terribly surprised. Vince is a wet blanket who comes on too strong and too nutty. His Crazy Eyez Killa stare is enough for me to not want to sleep at night in the same shelter with him, so I understand why he was the first to go from their tribe. I’m glad it wasn’t Nina, but I was a bit shocked Will was the deciding vote. The reason I was disappointed is because Vince made everyone uncomfortable. That was fun to watch. I guess we’ll just have to rely free-ballin’ beardy to supply the creep factor from now on.

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