All right. I’m back to writing about Survivor because last night’s episode pissed me off. No, I’m not questioning the vote at Tribal Council. I’m not questioning the not-so-subtle movement in Manu to get rid of Wentworth (because it’s a smart strategy). I’m not questioning the Kama Tribe ganging up on two strong, returning players in an attempt to eliminate threats. Thus far, the players have shown their ability to be strategic early and I’m fine with that; even if it comes at the expense of a favorite player or two (Aubry will always be my favorite player. Always).
What’s got me amped up over last night’s episode as that clowntard idiot, Wendy. Initially, I thought she was your typical, flaky player who would eventually show some strategic thinking.
I was wrong. Boy, was I wrong.
Her hypocrisy and stupidity—topped off by her utter smugness—about the chickens has reduced her to my least favorite player ever. Yes, ever. It would be one thing if you were an actual vegan or something, Wendy, when you got on your high horse about killing at eating the chickens. But you’re not. And your selfish behavior shows your complete lack of understanding of how to actually play this game. Seriously, Wendy. Have you ever watched Survivor?
And how about the dimwits in the Manu Tribe not figuring out that she stole the damn flint. I’m looking at you, Rick. You know Wendy’s plan. Why are you sitting on it like it’s the secret code to finding a hidden immunity idol? You have nothing to gain by protecting this donut.
Look, I admire Wendy’s performance in the challenge, bum wheel and all, but her behavior shows a tremendous lack of foresight and pragmatism. No one’s asking you to kill a chicken if you don’t want to. No one’s even forcing you to eat one if you don’t want to. But when you put your head up your own ass and like the smell too much and decide no one else can eat the chickens…well, that smells of arrogance and ignorance. Calvin Klein ain’t gonna bottle that shit.
Loose Lips Sink Ships
I was not disappointed in the Tribal Council vote. Wendy looked like the easy vote from the beginning of the episode, but things are never so simple on Survivor. How did Manu end up at Tribal Council—again?!?! Because puzzles are hard; harder than DIY slingshots, apparently. Manu was setting the pace in the immunity challenge…right up until the all-important final element: putting together a puzzle. “Puzzles are hard,” David muttered over and over, in defeat. Yes, David. Yes, they are.
Despite manning a slingshot like he does it every weekend at home, Chris found himself on the wrong end of a torch snuffer because he didn’t listen to David and blabbed to
Wardog Dan about the plan to blindside Wentworth. Chris trusted the wrong player. He said he didn’t want to burn a bridge in this game and he didn’t. The person he trusted torched it first.
He should’ve listened to David. Once Chris told the wrong person about the plan, he put himself in the cross hairs. David, recognizing Wentworth sniffed out his plan, pivoted and made the shrewd play: cut your losses.
In Chris’s defense, he was trying to pull in an ally he’d developed, but his alliance wasn’t as tight as he thought. In Wardog’s head, Wentworth > Chris. Now, he’s off to spend a few days at the worst cookout ever, but I like his chances of getting back in the game.
Let’s get the previous two votes out of the way. Reem was her own worst enemy at camp. She all but begged everyone to vote for her by assuming she could do whatever she wanted. Her attitude of “if they don’t like it, they could change it” doesn’t fly. It wouldn’t fly with me either. Here’s a tip, Reem: if you’re going to take it upon yourself to put everyone’s shit on the beach, why don’t you ask them first? It’s not incumbent upon them to clean up your mess.
And Keith…dude, you are not long for this game. If you had to hesitate and say “please, God” 88 fucking times before figuring out what you wanted to do, you should’ve just gone home. You’ve been in this game for five minutes. You’re still fresh. Grab a torch and get back in. Although I truly think you’ll get bounced out again and probably quickly. Perhaps not learning how to swim better was a poor Survivor strategy.
Meanwhile, Over at Kama
This tribe is itching to get to Tribal Council because the new players can’t seem to throw Joe and Aubry off the island fast enough. It’s slightly disappointing if you’re a fan of either of them, but it’s a strategy that makes sense. The newbies are afraid Joe and Aubry’s experience and guile make them strong players. This is true, but I can’t help but wonder if players these days are too busy trying to seat a jury in the single-digit days instead of focusing on winning challenges and studying one another. After all, how long does a tribe remain together on Survivor before Probst says, “drop your buffs?”
I still don’t know who half of you are just now because you haven’t had to dip your torches in the flame. Seriously, I heard Probst say Ron’s name and I said, “…who???” The only newbie on Kama I recognize straight away is Victoria, thanks to her red hair. After her…yeah, I got nothin’.
But I will give it up to Aubry for snagging a hidden immunity idol. Even though I think the hidden idols are a little cheap and ruin good strategy, props to her for achieving that personal goal. People forget Aubry is a beast in Survivor. She’s play 74 out of 78 possible days during her previous two seasons. She may very well be the best player who’s never won.
Back to Manu…
If your real name is Dan and you call yourself “The Wardog,” you’re probably an asshole. David is distinguishing himself as the sneakiest player on that tribe, thus far, but Anchorman Rick—who just made First Team All Dad Bod—wins the Sneaky Latenight Uncle award. Seriously, dude. I hope you don’t drive a van back home. He’s probably a nice enough guy, but he seems to have creeper tendencies. He’s one mustache and a basement X-Box away from being on the local police radar.
No Shot of Winning
If I were a betting man, I’d lay odds that Wendy, Reem and Keith have no shot at the million dollars. Reem and Keith are easy to mark for termination, what with already being voted out. But at least one of them may get back in the game. I still don’t think they’ll get enough votes ever to win. Wendy is a clueless dimwit. She will be the useful idiot to someone with an actual game plan. Once her usefulness runs out, she gone.
Gang of Four
These are the four most dangerous players (so far):
- Dan. I refuse to call him “Wardog.” Yes, he’s an asshole, but he’s lining himself up to be a major player to go along with being a major asshole.
- David. Some people seem to truly understand the social game that is Survivor. David is one of those players who bends the game to his will. That’s impressive. And dangerous. I wonder how long it’ll take for people to recognize he’s a threat.
- Wentworth. She’s got the biggest target on her back, but has already built an alliance that has bailed her out. She may get her torch snuffed out sooner rather than later, but her ability to fend off elimination in the first two tribal councils of the season is impressive.
- Aubry. Finding an idol may be the advantage she needs to stave off elimination before the merge. We shall see.
Survivor Employee of the Week
Aubry. She was a challenge beast when it counts the most. Her work in solving the puzzle that won immunity for her tribe should earn her some cred with her people…if only they weren’t so focused on Day 39 just now.
And whether it’s paranoia or game sensibilities, Aubry’s self awareness as being on the chopping block led her into the woods to hunt down an immunity idol.
Next Week’s Prediction
Hopefully, that clod Wendy goes home. I already can’t stand her stupid ass.